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Question: I was invited to a wedding shower - long story?

(Posted by: porcelina_68 on 2008-02-27 09:22:59)

About 7 years ago, I was friends with a co- worker. She had quit, and left our department in a bind. I was upset with her about that, but I got over it - and she never contacted me after that...UNTIL... Two years ago, I was promoted within the department to Supervisor. After finding this out through the grapevine, she contacted me to tell me that she was tired of her job, and asked that I consider her if I should have any openings in the department in the near future. I was delighted to hear from her, and when a position opened up, I stuck my neck out for her (HR was going to overlook her due to job history). She was hired, and has been working here for the past year or so. She and I are no longer friends, and sometimes, I have to bite my tongue just to be civil with her at work. Anyway, yesterday, I received an invitation to her wedding shower - a week from this Saturday, with a "wish " list. She's been living with her fiance for at least the last year. Should I attend and bring a gift, or should I just wash my hands of the whole situation? I'm sure that she could care less whether I'm there are not. Since she started back here, there hasn't been much gratitude about giving her a job. All she does is complain that she is stressed - and when I suggest something, you'd think I was trying to get her to renounce her religion. And she has her co- worker "friend " tell me that she may be looking for another job to try to manipulate me into giving her special treatment.

Posted by: browncat79 on 2008-02-27, 09:27:18

No she cares otherwise she wouldn't have sent it to you. Although your relationship with her is not good, I would go and give a gift and socialize with the other people so that they would know you are a good person and don't hold grudges. Don't do it for her, do it for you. Have a good time with the other people.

Posted by: browneyedprincesspamela on 2008-02-27, 09:28:35

Be a bigger person. If you don't want to attend then don't but provide a gift of some sort. Her time will come and when it does you do not want to be the person who causes the problems.

Posted by: BOYD H on 2008-02-27, 09:29:10

How do you really know how she feels about you. Could it be that she really wants you there and appreciates the fact that you got her a job. Or could she be thinking of number one again. I think you really know the answer to this a lot better then us.

Posted by: Gracielacey on 2008-02-27, 09:29:24

This sounds like the classic case of the bride to be inviting anyone she knows for the presents. I would get her a card and leave it on her desk at work when she isn't there and decline the invitation. Say in the card that you are happy for her, but you have other plans for that day already and you can't make it. If you think other people at work are in the same boat as you with the invitation, see if anyone wants to go in on a group present...if you feel so inclined that is. The good thing is, you are a supervisor, so if she acts like an idiot about you declining to come, she is the one who will look like a moron.

Posted by: powdermonkey on 2008-02-27, 09:31:36

I would make up an excuse to why I couldn't attend, then later on give her a congratulatory card with a small gift like 10 dollar gift certficate. Or maybe not even that much of a gift. Up to you!

Posted by: mirabella on 2008-02-27, 09:32:00

Invitation lists are tricky to make! She might have included you only so she didn't look like she was excluding you. Send a polite note declining the invitation, say you're sorry but you have a previous commitment.

Posted by: Violet on 2008-02-27, 09:36:11

Don't put yourself through such torture. If you don't like her and don't want to go, then don't. Also, you do not owe her a gift either, so don't bother with that. At the most, and only out of kindness that she clearly does not even deserve, maybe just get a card. Otherwise, keep your relationship professional. Weddings are personal, so don't cross that line if you don't really want to anyway. EDIT: If she wants to get another job, I'd say good riddance. The sooner the better.

Posted by: I have no Name on 2008-02-27, 09:45:38

Just don't go..all she wants is a gift....you gave her the job..you were the bigger person...don't go please...aren't you tired of being the bigger one? Don't be rude, just tell her that you have some other engagements that day. How simple is that? Very simple...you did a lot for her already./ good luck!

Posted by: geegee on 2008-02-27, 09:53:33

Follow your gut and decline the invite. Sending a gift is optional. I wouldn't even offer an explanation or excuse..... a simple "sorry, can't make it " should suffice. As a supervisor, it's probably better to keep your distance anyway, plus given her history with the company and current "bad vibes ", it's best for you not to get involved with this woman on a personal level. As you say, you put your neck out to recommend her for the job she has currently, so you've done your "good deed for the day " re this woman, for a long time to come.

Posted by: startwinkle05 on 2008-02-27, 10:05:22

I agree w/ the person who said she may have invited you only to look like she wasn't excluding you. It's tricky to decide who to invited to a wedding, especially when you are talking about someone who is your supervisor and the two of you have as rocky of a relationship as you describe. I think, if for no other reason than to be polite, say that you have a previous engagement that day, get her a small gift, and give her your best wishes for happiness.

Posted by: low_on_ram on 2008-02-27, 10:10:14

I would rspv a no. Someone who didn't care about you till you could do something for them... Then she is difficult to get along with... send a congrat's card, no gift.

Posted by: June B on 2008-02-27, 10:20:37

Since you don't want to go, then decline the invitation. You don't need to make up an excuse. Simply say you are unable to attend.

Posted by: kimbolee on 2008-02-27, 10:39:21

Sounds more like a taker than a giver. There is nothing wrong with declining an invitation to a shower. For that matter, you aren't required to give a reason, either. Just let her know you have other plans if she insists on an excuse. Remember, too, that etiquette for a bride is to invite her boss. It's thought to be considerate and polite. You will probably be getting an invitation to the wedding as well, which you also do not have to attend. The thoughtful bride (though perhaps not the most thoughtful employee) is just trying to include you in her celebrations.

Posted by: HONEYB1 on 2008-02-27, 11:40:23

If you usually buy for those you work with then get her something even if you don't go to the shower. Or go in on a gift with other co-workers that may have been invited. Most women register for gifts for a bridal shower so that is really common. It is up to you but if you have to work with her I would be the bigger person and not cause any rifts.

Posted by: tehabwa on 2008-02-27, 12:22:30

I guess it's too late to ask why you stuck your neck out for her. That's something you should only do for an employee who will be an ASSET to the company. The polite, but better, thing to do would be to tell her you'd do what you can, then be honest with HR, or not even talk to HR about her at all. Anyway, you can decline the invitation; you aren't even friends. You are "unable " to attend (express regret at this, even though you feel none). Then spend the time however you like. Do NOT make up bogus reasons. You can't make it. No, you needn't get or send her a gift.

Posted by: rameshrpukale on 2008-02-27, 21:22:33

Setting an example of the best etiqute you go. Then be cautious about how to keep the ralationship alive and whether to keep it or severe depends upon your judgement of the person. At least due to this neutral gesture she will realise her mistake (if there was any)